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Nice Guy Syndrome

You’ve heard women appreciate gentlemanly gestures, and that men who put in that extra effort, go a long way! So you chuck way your mangy tee, tuck the ‘going out’ shirt into your trousers and pick up some overpriced flowers. You want that girl and you’re going to use all the tactics known to man to get her.
You know exactly what to do too!

You meet, you compliment her repeatedly and do all the cheesy prince charming moves- pulling her chair out for her, pouring her water for her, holding the door open while she walks through (and so does the next person trying to get in…) You flirt with her but not too much. You give hints of where you want things to go but aren’t explicit. In fact, you encourage her to talk about herself, you promptly get your drinks refilled and you even pull out your phone to show her the 6 verse poem you’d written about her long, flowing hair and mesmerizing smile. Although you’re so invested in reading out your masterpiece that you don’t notice her struggling to keep a polite smile on her face while you do so.

According to you, the date has gone exceedingly well, you think she’s lapped up all your attention and will be dying to meet you again!
You text her, there’s no reply. You text/ call her again, and again and every time she seems to have an excuse to put you off. Strangely she seems disinterested in taking things further!
In fact, you sense, she’s just not interested in you!
But you did everything right, didn’t you? Just like you were supposed to! So what happened?

Here’s a secret about women.

Women see through your nice guy disguise. They sense your insincerity. They have an innate sense of catching out on inconsistencies and lies. You might think you’re really making an impression, but if you’re really not the ‘nice guy’ character you’ve been playing on the date, it will show through! And she knows you’re trying really hard to be someone you’re not. So next comes the question, how can she trust a guy who isn’t genuine?

A mistake men make is that they think themselves nice guys, call themselves nice guys, but then get angry when women express disinterest in them. Because chances are, if you call yourself nice, you’re probably not.
There is a subreddit called r/nice guys that features self-proclaimed good men turning nasty and angry after the slightest rejection. The butt of jokes all over the internet, the nice guy is the prime example of badly-masked insecurity and fear of abandonment.
Women don’t run away from nice guys and go to the bad guys, (which is an urban myth), women run away from pretentious nice guys and go to the genuine guys, even if they aren’t very nice people.
You may sometimes feel like the right person doesn’t want to give you a chance, but pursuing someone who isn’t interested in a lost cause. Relentless pursuit only drives people further away from you and makes you a stalker.

How do you avoid the nice guy syndrome and actually be a genuine, likable guy?

JUST BE YOURSELF! Stay true to your character! If there is a genuine connection between you two, she definitely will like you, so give her a chance to like you for who you are and not for who you are pretending to be.
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be thoughtful or have good manners, just that whatever you do shouldn’t be a contrived effort, a means to an end.

And if things don’t work out, respect her refusal with grace. You cannot force someone to love you or to be with you. The right person will come along sooner or later and love you for yourself.

Happy dating!


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